Monday, December 26, 2011

The quagmire of fear

Shining proudly on the dark blue sky adorned with glittering stars, the moon looked different, at least to me. I sat on the edge of the balcony and starred blindly at the moon, forgetting about the entire hustle bustle around me. I was at a wedding reception and everyone was either stuck in their own groups gossiping about their dresses and the food or they were busy observing people around them. I unconsciously lifted my veil touching the ground, folded it in my hands and hissed a deep breath. The soft breeze brushed my skin and my hair, sending a sudden shiver down my legs. The soft music fading in the background gave me a feeling of joining the crowd back, but I knew that the crowd would urge in me, the feeling to run away from here. I heard some loud footsteps approaching me, I swerved back to see my dad waving at me. I waved back until he was at arm’s length. He was happy and his eyes portrayed satisfaction. The long awaited moment was here, at this very wedding reception of a family friend, my engagement has been announced. I faked a smile and hid the numerous questions behind the two dimples emerging from my cheeks. Obliging me to come and join the party, I advanced a few forced steps to reach the hall. Some kisses, a few congratulations, some unexpected hugs, a few forged smiles and I reached the arms of the engaged man-my would-be fiancĂ© in a few hours to come. I was thrusted in his arms. I stumbled, stabilized my steps, controlled my breath, met his eyes and grooved badly to the soft romantic music. Our gaze locked for a few more minutes until I lowered mine, almost rejecting his presence. I wanted to disappear from there; I wanted to free myself from his jail like arms and his hypnotic gaze. I closed my eyes fiercely, with the intention of shunning this idea. I swallowed the knot in my throat and breathed. I caught his scent, the same old perfume he has been using for more than sixteen years, and never wanting to change it. Possessive as always. There was a time, a lovely time when I was truly in love with that man, without the expectation of being loved back. Dreaming of having him as my life partner since childhood, grabbing voraciously any opportunity to be by his side, as a friend, and never letting him know that I am so much in love for him, I remain his best friend ever. Was that fear of rejection that forced me to fake my feelings for him? Maybe yes and maybe no, I’m still trying to understand myself. One sudden tear escaped my eye, I was still in his warm arms, I looked at him, his gaze met mine, the tear was unconcealed and was caught red-handed. I closed my eyes, letting the drop of tear finding its way down my cheek. He bent his head and kissed away the tear, obstructing its path. To this, I knew for sure that he would be there to protect me forever, never letting the shadows of my past overpowering my life. I knew that behind this kiss was a pact signed between two families that I was to be protected at all cost. I knew that he kissed me, not out of love but out of sympathy, under the burden that he was being crushed. I rested my head on his chest; his heartbeat was fast and uneven. He knew that our future was uncertain, but he was sure that he could make things fall into place. I let go of a huge sigh and noticed that the moon was not there. I soon realized that some dark cloud will soon come in my life and I’ll disappear like the moon, not for a while, but forever, in the maze of Fate. And as his life was locked into mine now, we both will fade with time in this untold quagmire.


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