Concealed feelings...Unconcealed!

30^th December 2011. The night was silent. All I could hear was the far away mechanic who was still working at this time of the night. The day had been long and wearisome. Preparations to welcome the New Year have been going on since the start of the month, but today was the ‘closing’ shopping day. Suffocating sunny day, mushrooming crowd and inexplicable rush on the streets of Port Louis added flavor to my day, and here I am, tired and heavy legs paining. I sat in front of my PC, surfed on the net quickly for the daily dose of social networking. Some casual hellos, replies to a few notifications, some stalking process and I was bored. Little did I know that this so-called boring night would turn into something I never expected. Of course, I did think about it, but I never ever thought that it would happen. Al was online and he wanted to chat. Nothing much unwanted or unexpected about it. But that night, when it dawned on me that he wanted to chat, my heart skipped a beat. The chat window popped up with a funny sound that echoed in my ears.

“Hello sweety! U mind we talk on Skype, Lazy to type out here”

I stared at the screen, controlled my breath, noticed that the pace of my heartbeat was increasing slowly and then typed back:

“Hey hi! Uhh, Dad is in the same room, lets chat plz”

A tinge of guilt settled on my face, I lied beautifully.

I sat back, stretched my aching legs and hoped that he is as tired as me, so that this conversation ends quickly. One hour, another half an hour, another fifteen minutes, he talked and I listened, affirming my presence with a “hmm”, “ok”, “is it?” “lol”, “haha”. Boredom jabbed me, I thought of another lie to get out of here, but soon dropped this idea. All this while, he was recalling the moments he spent with his girl friend, the acrid ache she gifted him in return of all the love he gave her. From his words, I knew he was still hurt. Almost one whole year flew away, but memories are still sharp and clear. I lent him an attentive ear, shared his sorrows and gave him my support, as I usually do. This was my routine now, to listen to his stories and comfort him. But that night, I wanted to run away. I no more wanted to comfort him and to reassure him that life is beautiful and he should live it, instead of holding on to his past etc etc.

But then, the conversation took another turn and became more interesting, which drew off my boredom. My fingers drove faultlessly on almost every key of the keyboard, thoughts turned into words, expectations were betrayed and words overpowered my feelings. The desire to spit everything out without bothering about the consequences flooded in my veins. The flow was so strong that nothing could stop it. I was determined to voice out everything. EVERYTHING.  I controlled my breath, followed the pace of my heartbeat, until it seemed to be normal. I knew that I was putting everything at stake, my happiness, my peace of mind, his life, our relationship, the festive mood of the End of Year, but I was more than resolved to speak out. I am a complete jerk when it comes to speak out my heart without manipulating my feelings. I did think about speaking out to him, I even rehearsed for that matter, I knew that I would have to do that one day or another, but so soon, that was unexpected. I gathered my thoughts, concocted the right sentences and every time I felt my system going against this strong will of speaking out. I pressed my lips hard, swallowed a deep breath, held it down my throat and typed as fast as I could, and when I was done, I released the breath, reposed my fingers and glared anxiously at the screen for an answer. The belligerence of typing continued until everything I wanted to say was out of my system. 

That night, I told him everything, everything that was meant to be told. Snatching feelings from every corner of my soul, I opened up to him after very long time. I don’t know whether I did the right thing. I don’t know whether things between us will be more complicated after this night. I am lucky to have escaped the facial expression fuss and the face to face dilemma, though I know that I will not be able to flee from it for too long. I wonder how will I react when he will be in front of me and I will be forced to play the “all is well” role for him, for myself and for the family. While typing almost in a state of trance, while I noticed the letters appearing in stocatta on the screen, while I realized that things I never expected to utter were metamorphosing into tangible reality, my heart skipped thousands of beats. All I was aware of was me, my fingers which rushed on the keyboard, my feelings and him. I could sense the weight of my whole body on the tips of my fingers. Hands trembling, lips palpitating, words entangled with thoughts, what to say, what not to say, all came rushing down my finger tips. Every word was weighed, tailored, scrutinized and then delivered. I could not believe I had so much courage flooding down my spine. Part of my brain congratulated me for the wonderful performance I was at, but the other part literally screamed a peel of laughter at me to tell me what a big fool I am. Emotions were ambivalent, sometimes incomprehensible, memories were clear and sharp, fingers navigated through the keyboard faultlessly. I told him everything, everything that he was meant to know.

Al listened to me carefully, without interrupting me. His presence was marked by suspension points to encourage me to say more. I unleashed my concealed feelings, without caring about what will happen. I was putting at stake a whole year of wonderful moments we spent together, I was putting at stake my own happiness,my own peace of mind, knowing that rejection will lead me in a state of utter despair, not for long, but the point is that I will be welcoming New Year with a broken heart. Still, I did not retreat back. Words overpowered my feelings, I was hell bent onto confessing! Confessing about the crime-like thing that I did. Yes, I fell in Love, with him.

The quagmire of fear

Shining proudly on the dark blue sky adorned with glittering stars, the moon looked different, at least to me. I sat on the edge of the balcony and starred blindly at the moon, forgetting about the entire hustle bustle around me. I was at a wedding reception and everyone was either stuck in their own groups gossiping about their dresses and the food or they were busy observing people around them. I unconsciously lifted my veil touching the ground, folded it in my hands and hissed a deep breath. The soft breeze brushed my skin and my hair, sending a sudden shiver down my legs. The soft music fading in the background gave me a feeling of joining the crowd back, but I knew that the crowd would urge in me, the feeling to run away from here. I heard some loud footsteps approaching me, I swerved back to see my dad waving at me. I waved back until he was at arm’s length. He was happy and his eyes portrayed satisfaction. The long awaited moment was here, at this very wedding reception of a family friend, my engagement has been announced. I faked a smile and hid the numerous questions behind the two dimples emerging from my cheeks. Obliging me to come and join the party, I advanced a few forced steps to reach the hall. Some kisses, a few congratulations, some unexpected hugs, a few forged smiles and I reached the arms of the engaged man-my would-be fiancé in a few hours to come. I was thrusted in his arms. I stumbled, stabilized my steps, controlled my breath, met his eyes and grooved badly to the soft romantic music. Our gaze locked for a few more minutes until I lowered mine, almost rejecting his presence. I wanted to disappear from there; I wanted to free myself from his jail like arms and his hypnotic gaze. I closed my eyes fiercely, with the intention of shunning this idea. I swallowed the knot in my throat and breathed. I caught his scent, the same old perfume he has been using for more than sixteen years, and never wanting to change it. Possessive as always. There was a time, a lovely time when I was truly in love with that man, without the expectation of being loved back. Dreaming of having him as my life partner since childhood, grabbing voraciously any opportunity to be by his side, as a friend, and never letting him know that I am so much in love for him, I remain his best friend ever. Was that fear of rejection that forced me to fake my feelings for him? Maybe yes and maybe no, I’m still trying to understand myself. One sudden tear escaped my eye, I was still in his warm arms, I looked at him, his gaze met mine, the tear was unconcealed and was caught red-handed. I closed my eyes, letting the drop of tear finding its way down my cheek. He bent his head and kissed away the tear, obstructing its path. To this, I knew for sure that he would be there to protect me forever, never letting the shadows of my past overpowering my life. I knew that behind this kiss was a pact signed between two families that I was to be protected at all cost. I knew that he kissed me, not out of love but out of sympathy, under the burden that he was being crushed. I rested my head on his chest; his heartbeat was fast and uneven. He knew that our future was uncertain, but he was sure that he could make things fall into place. I let go of a huge sigh and noticed that the moon was not there. I soon realized that some dark cloud will soon come in my life and I’ll disappear like the moon, not for a while, but forever, in the maze of Fate. And as his life was locked into mine now, we both will fade with time in this untold quagmire.

 

Immortalizing 20th September 2011

Eternal moments jailed in memory lane,
Blissful smiles locked forever,
In the lanes of that heavenly Garden,
Shalt echo our firm friendship
In the shadows of the trees,
Shalt rest its craziness.

Addictive smile, delicate grace,
She brought light along that day,
Annoying she might be,
Worried more about the fly than her food,
Sweetest treasure she is though,
Always shining, always twinkling.

Yet another one:
‘Mast’, carefree, active,
The ‘man’ of the clan she is.
Annoyed she could be at me,
But then who cares?
Unlimited laughter, restless soul she is,
Always Angelic, always Junoon!

Childish, ‘chanchal’,
Firm diet she undergoes,
Her most cherished step
Wins the hearts of million,
Thus, she dwells in my breath
Always startled, always inspiring

Silent, weighing her words,
She strides in smoothly
With her kind deeds, her pure smile.
Her motherly attributes,
Bequeath us serenity of mind,
Always helpful, always smiling

She has been there a while,
With that special one.
Her catwalk was worth it♥
Her ‘ladoos’ were Yummy!
Someone throw out her phone,
For she sticks to it,
Always so loving, Always so caring

One word: ‘Haila’
Epitome of shyness,
Patience: He never says ‘No’,
Amazing were his wayward steps,
Full doze of laughter we had
Always so confused, Always so loveable.

He is fantastic, though annoying,
Couldn’t be better as a friend,
Monkeying around all the time,
Like a LMC, which he would call Popular Culture :P
Bringing life to every moment,
Always so colourful, always so lovely.
“P.S: U r a legend”, I would say!

And then, there’s another one:
Queen, ‘chamak challo’,
She is sweet, simple and SHORT.
Some find her “Masha Allah”,
For her dance, and her food,  
She added fragnance to that day,
From dawn till Dusk.

Thus ended a day, a lifetime!
Full of memories,
To be cherished forever!

Still hard to believe

Still hard to believe that you left me,

Strong was my faith that you are there for me.

“I love you and this is what matters!”

How foolish was I to believe you!

I don’t know where I went wrong

I don’t know what resulted into your decision.

But I do know that I loved you more than anything else.

Everything was so perfect…

You, your breathtaking smile, your dazzling breath,

Your mesmerizing scent, your magnificent eyes…

Human you were for everyone else,

Yet for me, you were My Angel!

Still incredible to believe why you left me.

Do I deserve this?

Ought I to be left in the lurch?

I don’t know….

But I do know that your presence will be missed

As you colonized my life, my every breath

And now you are gone…

Away from my sight…

Away from my life…

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget you,

And I know that you will also never be able to forget me

But one thing I do promise you…

I’ll be happy without you.

                                                           

You went away from him,  

He was never the same,  
You stole from him  
EVERYTHING  
His smile, his happiness, 
his peace of mind  
EVERYTHING  
Everytime he talks, you are there,  
Everytime he smiles, you are there,  
You are gone, but you are not.
I wonder, what went in your mind,
I wonder, what a FOOL could you be
To hurt the one, Who gave you everything, 
  Who made you who you are today.
What a fool you were!  
But now, he's back,  
As the one I've always known,  
Cheerful, playful, happy!  
Promise, he did make to you, 
 Happy he'll be always...
ALWAYS, With or without you!  
I'm there for him,  
Forever, to keep him happy,  
To find him the happiness he deserves.  
Often i wonder, 
What went wrong?  
But then, it's alright,  
He's happy, even without you!  
You have never been his world,  
You can never be either...  
He's out...searching for his self, 
  Never to turn back again to you,
Never to care for you, 

                                                         That's what you deserve, I guess. 

Crumbled world of a Daughter

Heavy, weary footsteps stumped,

And my smile magnified.

Like a soft blanket he hugged me,

Warmth I felt, Secured and loved.

A kiss on the forehead,

A chocolate on my desk,

Off he went to his own ‘territory’

Never to come back again,

At least for the night,

Never to have a word with me again.

Maybe a quick ‘take care’, ‘don’t spend the whole night revising’

If I were lucky enough tonight.

Words never flew so smoothly,

Emotions forever hidden,

Never to be unveiled.

Far away mumbling voices crossed my ear,

Desire to join in filled my heart.

Off I crossed the border, entered his ‘territory’

I guess, I should have expected that:

I listened, smiled some fake smiles,

Nobody seemed to care,

Nobody realized I was there,

I stood up,

Crossed the border, entered my ‘territory’

Glued to the desk,

Back to the black and white world of books.

The chocolate flashed on the edge,

Innocent hands grabbed it,

Mouth gulped it voraciously.

And thus started another evening,

Heavy, weary evening.

Another failed trial,

Another unclaimed desire,

Another painful longing,

To be Daddy’s Daughter.

Daddy’s daughter, in the real sense.

Take away my soul

Darkness crept, Silence Fell,

Eyes blinked, Tears welled,

Heart hammering, Soul trembled.

All I could think of,

Was you and your face.

Wonderful were the days we spent together,

Promises made to be thus, forever.

Days ‘nightened’,

Promises broken,

All I could think of, 

Was you and your smile.

Should I call it fake?

For fake was your love,

Poisoned, your words.

Breath struggled out,

Thoughts juggled in,

All I could think of,

Was you and your reply

Courage gathered,

Mind determined,

Fists tightened,

Tears rolled,

Pain doubled,

Smile troubled

All I could think of,

Was you and your verdict.

I was to be hanged,

Rope ready,

Corpse steady,

Time fixed,

At your nod,

I quit!

A tribute to my Hero

In the solemn outburst of silence,

Where darkness strays and stops

His struggling voice echoes

Down the numbness of utterance

His deep eyes I saw again,

As mystified as I once observed,

His gaze, as enchanted as ever,

His blink, as dazzling it remains

Ephemeral his smile was though,

Encapsulated was the power in’t,

To make the gazer bewildered,

Oh this smile- The prestige of life.

His voice, I couldn’t hear,

His heart, I couldn’t feel

Strangely enough, his tears

Flashed in almost faultlessly.

All the pains and agony,

His heart adorned in harmony,

All the bliss and joy,

His life rejected in ecstasy

Of all his miseries and sadness,

He survived and lived,

He smiled and fought loneliness.

Heartless he remained, but he lived.

Never let go, he taught me,

To this, I’m still hanging on,

Believing in myself all along,

Fighting away the world.

You might not be here,

Your voice, extinguished,

Your charm, expired,

Still, your presence is felt

Beyond the stars, as the unseen,

In the wind, as the unheard,

In my heart, as the untouched,

In my breath, as a part of me.

And forever, thus shall remain,

Untainted and pure, mighty and grand

Your soul captured,

For I am incomplete without you.

And...It rained

My cup of hot chocolate hovering about the floor, my favorite music playing in the background, I was lounging on the marble floor facing the terrace. I could feel the night breeze stroking my arms and legs. The night was unvoiced, much to my amazement. I could hardly hear passing vehicles down the highway, maybe because the clock recently struck one in the morning. I wonder why I am still on my feet so late at night.  I was actually trying hard to read a novel since long, but it seems that tonight will be again a vain trial to read it. I have noticed that I am suffering from a strange unexplained brain jam since a few days. I want to read, but I cannot. The moment I sit with a book, either I switch off, or my mind linger about memory lanes too often. I was allowing my brain to formulate the idea of going to sleep, or at least pretending to go to sleep, because these days, sleep seems to be the unwelcomed guest. Just then, a cold humid gush of breeze broke through the window, I felt a cold shiver down my spine. I stepped out of the terrace, scrutinized the sky. The blackness and quietness of the sky startled me. The atmosphere was stiffened with humidity, I knew it was about to rain, and I knew that I was going to enjoy this moment. I waited patiently for this one drop to settle on my body. I waited to smell the wet soil. I waited for Nature to manifest itself in this urge of downpour. I sat down on the swing. I realized I was in my sleeping gown, and I knew getting wet tonight will result to illness tomorrow morning but I was ready to undertake the risk. I love the rain; I love the feeling of being able to enjoy every drop of rain, the blessings of Almighty in its true sense. I waited, almost impatiently now for this one drop to bless me. I closed my eyes, I could smell the hot chocolate that I literally abandoned, for which I felt a slight guilt. I could hear the amazing music playing in my room, and I knew once the shower begins, the tinkling of the raindrops will subdue the music, and once again I felt a pinch of guilt. I welcomed another gush of breeze, sneaking shrill down my spine again…And… it rained! 

There was once a girl...

There was once a girl,

Pretty, with twinkling eyes,

That never blinked with joy,

Gracious smile,

That never smiled happiness.

Confused, fearful, silent,

Fallen were her gaze always,

She feared the world,

The society, her parents,

Her values, her virtues,

Herself.

Burdened by responsibilities,

Crushed by her unfulfilled dreams,

Alone, she treads her way.

Until the day she met ‘him’.

Magic, Bliss it seemed to be

Fairy Tale, Unreal for me.

But such was their love story:

Untainted, Pure and Sacred.

She never told him,

He never told her,

Until he realized that life was meaningless without her.

Until it dawned on her that he was her lost piece of puzzle.

But none had the courage to make the first step.

Because none wanted their friendship to be sallied.

They met everyday, they talked for hours,

They lunched together, shared food, gifts and cards.

But none could tell what they felt for each other.

He knew her as much as she knew him

Years went by, their friendship sealed forever

Years went by, their love remained veiled.

But deep inside, she knew that

Nothing could make her as happy as she is now

In him she has found the world

Whether they be together or not,

Whether or not, she could ever voice her heart out,

She knew that he will always be here for her,

Always…

A faint smile on her face, a hidden tear in her eye,

She steps on and on,

She knows he can never be hers,

Her life, her unfulfilled desire,

Her smile, her tear,

Her companions forever.

There was once a girl,

Pretty, with twinkling eyes,

That never blinked with joy,  

Gracious smile,

That never smiled happiness. 

Reflecting on a Moonless Night

Recoiling back in loneliness, away from all the hurly burly of the world, in the sheer obscurity of a moonless night, I sat down on the swing facing my house. The atmosphere was solemn, rather mournfully silent. An unexpected shrill seized my spine when a cold wind swished my body. Goosebumps oozed. I tried to concentrate on my heartbeats which hammered in synchronization with my breath. Composed, relaxed and unruffled, I dressed myself to the perfect state of contemplation. I closed my eyes, controlled my breath and diverted my whole attention on the very first picture my mind could catch hold of. Recollecting in loneliness has been my favorite thing to do when I get the impression that my mind was about to explode with tension and pressure. That night, my mind meandered its way to that corner which always triggered the philosophical side of my brain. Who was I? If I could just answer the question in a way that would really give value to this question, then I would say that I am a girl, a mystified, troubled, lost, confused, who does not know why and how she has changed so much. People say that I am not normal. Forget about people, my own biological dad teases me of being an alien’s child. Why? Because I rarely talk or react to any situation, I just shut up and smile away. I do not take care of myself, as any other “normal” girl of my age would do. I stumble in public, leaving the ‘disgusting’ glare of people unaffected upon me. I have no boyfriend, which my University friends find tremendously bizarre. Believe me, the gaze that they shot at me when I told them, or rather forced them to trust me on that issue was just…worth witnessing; as if there was a forced obligation to believe what they thought was illogical. Of course, I understand their situation, because if a girl loves poetry, writes incredibly well, is obsessively in love with Twilight and is ready to spend sleepless nights submerged in the pages of this saga, watches the film as much as she can, tirelessly; over and over again, gets inspired by every love story she hears, becomes mesmerized by every romantic song she hears; and that girl has no boyfriend! That’s not logical at all…or maybe I am just not “normal”. I realized I was smiling, a nostalgic smile with a sarcastic chuckle, while the waves of memories settled in my mind. I stretched my legs and felt the tickling tips of the grass, I let go of a stiffened chuckle again. I was not always like that. The Kate of today was not always like this. Yes, I have changed and the reason is very obvious, yet no one seems interested to take that into consideration. Part of my brain discarded the idea of bringing back those scornful memories again, as it would jinx the perfect atmosphere that reigned, but the other part literally forced me to unveil all those stifling memories. I fought the urge to give up and I succumbed to the temptation of unshackling a few rebellious tears, until I resolved to undergo the risk of sinking back in the most obnoxious tale of my life. My eyes were moist and concentrated, my heart wrinkling in vulnerability and my mind searching for the approved piece of reminiscence to project. My blurred vision gulped a piece of writing I wrote a few months ago. The memory was so unambiguous, so pure and untainted that I could hardly decipher between reality and chimera.

 “…Twelve…this was the age when the gap between my mother and myself blurred along the wheel of time. I slowly understood the role my mother played in my life of college girl. She was for me my guide, my friend, my sister and my soul mate. I could recount to her every thing that I used to feel as a growing girl. I remember the day when I got my first menstruation; my mother actually celebrated it, much to my amazement. I could not grasp why should she “celebrate” this and make it become an “issue”? But now I have got a clear cut picture of the feelings my mother impregnated at that time. She was in fact so elated to see her only daughter growing up to a woman…"

I avoided a drop of tear soiling my perfect white satin blouse. I swallowed with excessive difficulty a gulp of bile accumulating up my throat. I sucked in a deep breath, while the memories materialized itself in front of me, in a pure craftmanship of reality…

"Still incredible to my mind, when I think of the day my mother closed her eyes...just unexpectedly… Maybe she wanted to be alone, maybe she’s just too tired of the daily routine; this was the few statements that kept me breathing in the deluge of pain and agony submerging my heart which throbbed like a hammer.

I am now eighteen years, eight months, three days and exactly seven hours and forty-five minutes old. My mom left me about five years ago, leaving me in the lurch, fighting each and every second with my destiny, craving to hear her voice at least once, thirsty of her love and affection, yearning to get scolded by her, passionately wanting her by my side forever.

I know that my mother has been a very good mother, a very good wife and much better as a daughter; I am just trying to be her shadow in the life of my dad and my brother. I do miss her by my side. How I wished she was there for me to wish me luck for all my examinations, how I wished she was here to see me climbing the pinnacles of success, how I wished she was here to see me being in love, how I wished she was here to listen to my daily grudges against my brother, how I wished she was here to support me mentally when I had to take decisions concerning my life.

Now, I do remember her, but with a different kind of pride. I recognize myself as being ‘the’ daughter of my mother. Every step I make towards success will be marked by her momentary support she gave me. I am gratified to her that I got her intelligence, her beauty and her patience in legacy. I know that you are very far away from me, but somewhere I do hope that you are there watching over me, as I take decisions regarding my life, you are there to take a close watch on my Fate Wheel, you are there as a smile when I am happy and when I am deeply saddened by the daily circumstances of my life, you exist as pain and ache in my heart.

Today when I see myself in the mirror, it dawns on me that this is the daughter of my mother, the mother that loved me so much! Life for me has always been thorny and difficult after your death, but I learnt patience, I faced pain in its true shape, I craved for your existence, I have become more responsible, more mature, more talented, and riper.

For this I am grateful to you mother!!!”

For one moment, I forgot to breathe, again. I fought back effortlessly the urge to let go of the disobedient tears from my eyes. I closed my eyes, sensed the riveting warm tears flooding its way down my cheeks, leaving behind its traces. I freed my lips to catch some breath. The emptiness that I felt when I wrote these lines in my diary was untouched for years, and today when I revisited the engraved words in my mind, I could still feel that blistering twinge. I controlled myself, as if this was possible and uttered to all lifeless things that could not hear a word of mine: “This is me…” but the desperate push to shriek out left my sentence unfinished. I struggled hard to swallow the knot in my throat, which blocked my respiration. I was lost in myself and maybe I enjoyed torturing myself like this. At least, the ache would remind me that she was real, and that she actually existed, that… I did have a mother in my life.